I'm Highly Volatile; I am Borderline!

Friday, 9 December 2016

Naked - stripped off of all the defensive layers Raw - sensitive thoughts and emotions Eruptive - with wavering identity and courage! That's what I am - A girl fighting Borderline!
It's hard - not to stop, not to think, not to feel, not to be afraid of myself and everyone else. It's hard - to put down that bottle of beer that makes me feel good. It's hard - not to lose temper at the loved one. It's hard - to hide my fears under that masquerade of naivete and cheerfulness. It's hard - to not self-harm or tell myself, 'It's not your fault.'
A person very close to me recently said, 'You're never going to change. Because you don't want to. Well, stay the same! Because it's not my problem... and I'm giving up on you.' A part of me knows that it's alright as I knew I wanted to change, and that I could definitely make it through, because I always have. But all that showed on the outside were the tears, accompanied by intense the fear of abandonment. I begged my friend, much to his chagrin and disgust. Well, what he didn't know was that I felt the disgust for myself too.
From the time I became aware of the fluctuations in my behavioural patterns, I have been trying to figure out what it was. I had felt rage, grief and elation, instead of anger, sadness and joy. It's like my mind had a magnifying glass of its own. I am this sweet person overshadowed by madness and many other things. Then started my battle with the identity crisis - No, not the career-related one. The personal one! It began with disagreements, crying, screaming, yelling, laughing, hurting my loved ones physically and verbally, and last but not the least, hurting myself physically and emotionally. The journey went on and on, up and down a rocky road that never seemed to flatten out.
A while ago, I blogged about waging a war with depression. But I never realised that there could be more. I felt empty all the time, and the patterns were still abnormal. Depression was just a little part of it, but not the whole. I made new friends, thought life was going to be fun now, but my inner demons were never quite silenced. They came back, hurting the one I cared deeply, and wanted a life with. I scared him away, as well as all my friends, with my irrationality.
I threatened to kill myself, I banged my head against a wall, I made a huge scene on the road in the middle of the night - my friends were still there, but I knew they were not going to, for long. I took a call the next day and went to the psychiatrist again. And boom! It wasn't depression. It never was! It was Borderline Personality Disorder, which was dwelling inside me since long.
For those who don't know, borderline is all about emotional instability which leads to many other things on a temporary basis - Eating Disorders, Depression, Substance Abuse, Addiction, Self-harm, Suicidal tendencies - what not!? If you think it's Bipolar, you're mistaken, because bipolar is when most of these symptoms stay for a longer time.
We trust people too much, care too much, yet live in this immense fear of abandonment. We feel we're unworthy of love or that this shrewd world doesn't deserve us. It's always an erupting volcano inside our heads. Why? Because we're not 'normal enough' for someone to deal or stay with us. All we get is, 'It's all in your head', ''You're at fault', You don't want to help yourself', 'You need to be fixed', 'You're a retard' , 'You'll never change', 'You're a psychopath', 'I'm done dealing with you'. Well, bring 'em on! Is that the best you've got?
I may look hunky dory and cool to everyone that just met me; a retard, maniac and a psychopath to someone who has known me enough to see my impulsive actions. But I am someone with a disturbed sense of identity, impulsiveness, uncontrollable emotions, dissociation, distorted self-image and personal values and incapable of maintaining stable interpersonal relations; but deep down, I am also someone who's brave and strong enough to get out of this mess.
Dear fellow beings, I am not the only one who feels deeply and end up in a disastrous mess, failing to take control of their emotions. There are thousands out there who hurt themselves and fall down a spiral of self-hatred, guilt, and fear of abandonment.
And the least you could do it is to understand or support, instead of all the name calling and awarding the tag mental patient. 'Cause trust me, the world we live in isn't colourful, it's just painfully black and white.

Customary Introduction: The Air and Water (Could be Pizza for me) of the English Language!

Wednesday, 7 September 2016

Let me begin with a confession, people hate me. They loathe me for correcting their grammar; a cousin of mine even stopped talking to me, labelling me as a Grammar Nazi who thinks she 'knows it all'. But then again, it's wired in me to automatically correct the errors - mild OCD pertaining to the language you see!

However, this 'Grammar Nazi' in me wasn't always there, like most of you out there, I dreaded grammar too. So was the case with tattoos. But eventually, I fell in love with both of them. Ended up as that annoying woman who corrects people's grammar and sports about 5 tattoos etched onto her skin.

The exact moment I began to love English is kind of vague in my mind palace, but like John Green says, 'It was like the way you fall asleep, slowly... and then all at once!' I still remember, the first grammar book I had ever laid my eyes on was the famous 'Wren and Martin'. But trust me, it was of no help. I was in my high school back then, and grammar was like one of those zombies that hunted us down in those apocalyptic movies. Parts of Speech were fine, but it was only up to that. Clauses and Phrases haunted me; Punctuation sought out to suck my blood like vampires. God! It was terrorizing, but I managed to score a decent 93% in my boards.

Flash forward two years, Olivia Lazarus Ma'am entered my life, with that big fat textbook of 'Remedial Grammar'. She used to teach well, but somehow, all those concepts flew over my head. So, I took it upon me to learn the concepts myself, due to my mad, irrevocable love for English. And there, started my never-ending journey!

Let me tell you one thing about why you'll hate grammar or find it boring. Because it's full of rules. Like one of those Law Books. And like those hundreds of words taken into English from Latin, French and other languages (I am not going there, you could always go for etymology if you want to know more about it), the grammatical rules were also adopted. And like those loopholes in the law, you have exceptions in the grammar and there are plenty of them. Believe me, my friend! There's no escape from these, the same way there's no escape from the GoT and Pokémon posts on Facebook.

So, what you need to master these rules of grammar are:

1. A strong cup of coffee
2. A slice of Pizza or the whole of it
3. An incredible teacher/book/reading material.

And I was (un)fortunate enough to scroll through hundreds of websites trying to teach grammar to my kids in the most fun way possible (trust me, sometimes I have no idea how I ended up as an English teacher. I feel afraid to go to the weekly team meets and face the other English faculty and school. But then, they're all chilled out). But after a long, long hunt on websites, torrents and crosswords, I found one book that taught me grammar the way I wanted - funny, nasty and dirty! (Which, of course, I can't try teaching my kids)

So, here I am, fully motivated to combine these two methods to help you all out there with grammar - right from the Word Classes (Don't Panic! It's nothing but a posh alternative for Parts of Speech that I learnt at school) to How Not To Use Double Negatives, I shall be your friend, confidant and guide (psst... I am not perfect either, so, I'll drop in a word 'co-learner' there, because I have two people that correct my English too). With a little bit of help and co-operation, I hope you would write that perfect love letter to your crush, write an error-free piece of writing that is not silently judged/corrected by me (just kidding!) or other grammar Nazis, or finally become that annoying person who critiques others!

I'll be back soon with the Next Post!

Until Then,

Stay Classy!

#Post1 in 'But First, Grammar' Series

Fun.Freedom.Confidence With Datsun redi-GO

Friday, 3 June 2016

Fun. Freedom. Confidence. The ultimate Urban Cross - Datsun redi-GO - the capability of a crossover with the convenience of a hatchback.

Who doesn’t love long drives? I mean, it’s one of the closest definition to an adventure. After a hectic weekend, or during one of those long vacations, we crave to hit the road and fill our soul with the soothing sound of tyres on the asphalt. The feeling is incomparable when you drive through the concrete forests into the cradle of nature and finally to a destination that you have long desired for.

But what makes a fun drive even more exciting? The answer is an awesome ride that takes us to these exotic destinations. Isn’t it?

Datsun redi-GO has been quite promising with its unique features that would make anyone want to drive it to a destination that is as appealing as it is.

The first ever urban cross has quite a lot of features that managed to grab my attention, but the ones that appealed to me the most are its Stylish and really Spacious interiors, a sleek and a chic look with a classy color, and last but not the least the 25.17 kmpl mileage. These made me want to take this classy car out on a spin along with my group of friends. And as for the place I would want to drive away to, it would be the Shettihalli Rosary Church, one of the historical Places in Karnataka that managed to bewitch me with its enigmatic look. 

When a Writer's Retreat turned into an Ideal Vacation!

Saturday, 14 May 2016

Although born in a family where people are not much interested in visiting several places, the travel bug bit me at an early age. And I ended up experiencing and embracing the things a new place has to offer me. The feeling that a new place I’ve visited gives me has always been inexplicable.

As I grew up, I made a bucket lists for all the places I ever wanted to visit, including the plans for the itineraries. However, my perfect vacation has been the one I have taken by myself, without any family, but just the company of a fellow writer/friend.

So, it all started with the plan of few writers planning a trip to Leh Ladakh. However, the plan was dropped as people lost interest, one after the other. Some time later, I just pinged one of the writers asking her if we could go somewhere as I needed a writers’ retreat so bad. She immediately agreed. So, after a brainstorming session for a couple of days, we fixated upon Munnar.

Book Review: 'Wheels of Wish' by Bibhu Datta Rout

Friday, 22 April 2016

When I was little, I had loved to spend time when my grandma used to tell me stories of all kinds- fairy tales, folklore, mythology and historical accounts, etc. And having some ancestral roots to Odisha, I happened to hear the tales behind the construction of Puri and Konark temples, amongst many others. As I grew, these stories have been hibernating deep in my mind, and this story has managed to bring back the memories of all those enchanting stories I'd heard as a child.

Read on to find out the review of this suspense thriller, which I was excited to read from the moment it fell into my hands.

Details of the book:

  • Title - Wheels of Wish
  • Author - Bibhu Datta Rout
  • Paperback: 176 pages
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 9351967484
  • ISBN-13: 978-9351967484

Book Review: 'The Bestseller She Wrote' by Ravi Subramanian

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

What first appealed to me when I saw this book was its Title. It was one of the most catchy titles in the recent times. Reminded me the title of the old TV series  Murder, She Wrote’. Then came the interesting cover in yellow. It made me want to read the book so bad, and now that I did, did it manage to keep up my expectations? Read on to find out.

Aditya Kapoor, the most popular author in the country, is living the dream- Successful career, a loving family, thousands of fans that adore him and immense fame. Then comes Shreya Kaushik, a head-strong woman and an aspiring author herself, who gets onto the nerves of Aditya, but later turns his ardent fan and eventually becomes his protégé. Smitten by her charm, Aditya seeks out an extra-marital relation with Shreya which turns his life upside down. What happens next follows the next of the story.

I have heard about Ravi Subramanian before, but never read any of his works until now. This, I heard was off path for his kind of books and that he has dared himself to write a mid-aged romance with an element of thriller in it. The book was a fast read, and I could finish it in one go. It managed to keep me entertained through out, without getting bored or the feeling of being dragged, but the story was predictable at certain areas.

Apart from the main theme of love, betrayal and redemption, The Bestseller She Wrote also dealt with the world of writing and publishing. These were some pretty interesting things to know for anyone who’s an aspiring author. It talks about many issues dealing with writing, giving subtle references to the authors currently popular in India, and some of the practices of the publishing houses where recommendations by a famous author plays a crucial role. But for someone who is reading this as just a reader, it might be a little boring and like an insight into the author’s own life.

Coming to the characters of the novel, they are not all perfect and have their own shades of grey, which I personally liked. Mr. Subramanian gave us characters not just to love, but also the kind of people we can think about otherwise. Aditya for example, might be a bestselling author, but that just doesn’t mean he’s all perfect and will be the character you will adore. And Shreya, isn’t someone who isn’t just a fan that isn’t afraid to show her affections towards her favourite author, but also a woman with one ultimate goal. 

The Bestseller She Wrote is a quick read that wouldn’t bore you, and is better than many contemporary romances written by so-called popular authors. However, the narrative and the characters seemed they were written more from the perspective of a ‘movie adaptation’, like many books today, rather than the reader. 

It has a story, though cliched and often predictable, but the thriller part  and the surprising ending made up for it. I definitely root for reading more romantic thrillers in the future. For the good narration and the way author perfectly blended love with the thrill factor, I’d give this book a 4 out of 5.

Details of the Book:

  • ISIN: 978-93-85152-38-2
  • Genre: Romance / Drama / Thriller
  • Publishers: Westland Books
  • Price: Rs. 295/- ( I got the book from blogadda for a review)

Read my review on Goodreads here

I am reviewing ‘The Bestseller She Wrote’ by Ravi Subramanian as a part of the biggest Book Review Program forIndian Bloggers. Participate now to get free books!