Can You Love Me Even With My Dark Side?

Thursday, 29 March 2018

So, I have been meaning to write something for the past couple of days. I wanted to write it all down when two days ago when my emotions were at its peak. But I decided to put it off until I cooled down and could think clearly.

Most of the people here know that I've been dealing with borderline personality for a couple years now. I have been open about it for a long time now and have often talked about how I cope up with my emotional outbursts and other maniac episodes.

I have been doing alright for the past few months, without any major breakdowns. Six months to be precise. I would occasionally get angry or upset, but I didn't experience that feeling where I lose myself to my emotions completely and end up physically hurting myself, or hurling verbal stones at the loved ones.

But it happened again, a couple of days ago. I succumbed to my rage. What's the reason you may ask? A small joke made by mom that my mind somehow found offensive at that time. It sure is frivolous but ended up drawing rage from the darkest corners of my mind.

I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe.  Oh wait, may the rational part of my mind did.

But it was overpowered by my emotions like a clean sweep. And the result? Yelling. Wailing. Complaining. Hurting Myself. It took me hours to finally calm myself down to sleep. And of course, there was help. My parents understood. I was grateful.

This post is not about what happened to me then. But it is about what things were running in my mind.