Can You Love Me Even With My Dark Side?

Thursday, 29 March 2018

So, I have been meaning to write something for the past couple of days. I wanted to write it all down when two days ago when my emotions were at its peak. But I decided to put it off until I cooled down and could think clearly.

Most of the people here know that I've been dealing with borderline personality for a couple years now. I have been open about it for a long time now and have often talked about how I cope up with my emotional outbursts and other maniac episodes.

I have been doing alright for the past few months, without any major breakdowns. Six months to be precise. I would occasionally get angry or upset, but I didn't experience that feeling where I lose myself to my emotions completely and end up physically hurting myself, or hurling verbal stones at the loved ones.

But it happened again, a couple of days ago. I succumbed to my rage. What's the reason you may ask? A small joke made by mom that my mind somehow found offensive at that time. It sure is frivolous but ended up drawing rage from the darkest corners of my mind.

I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe.  Oh wait, may the rational part of my mind did.

But it was overpowered by my emotions like a clean sweep. And the result? Yelling. Wailing. Complaining. Hurting Myself. It took me hours to finally calm myself down to sleep. And of course, there was help. My parents understood. I was grateful.

This post is not about what happened to me then. But it is about what things were running in my mind.

I knew I was a monster who loses everything good about her during that few hours. I can see my folks feel pain, disgust, anger or helplessness but can do nothing about it. All I can keep thinking is ways to end the pain, or where I'd stand from now on, in the minds of these people who saw the unfortunate, destructive part of me! It's unbearable.

The next day, I woke up with an empty feeling in my chest. I couldn't talk to my parents the way I did until the day before. I felt ashamed. I knew they were the only ones who are going to stand by my side. Maybe it's their unconditional love, or maybe it's an obligation because I am their child. Reasons didn't matter, but I was scared that our bond has broken a little. But they're family and they'll stick around.

This brought me to the next level of introspection. My interpersonal relations.

I come across as a really chirpy girl who can socialize with utmost ease. I can be the girl you've known for so long in just a little time. But can I be your friend for long? The answer to that is, 'I don't know'.

Over the years, I have had fear of abandonment, and that made me possessive, jealous, dramatic, what not? I used to push the buttons of the people who wanted to stay until they reach the breaking point. It wasn't deliberate, though. I just wanted to make sure they'd stay at my worst.

But with time, I have grown over it. But this was replaced by my newly found trust issues and now, I don't let people in at all. I have seen a lot of people ask me that I shouldn't let my past hold me back, or that I should be open.

Let me tell you, it's not the case. Because I know you cannot deal with the faces of my borderline personality. Because you cannot deal with the pain and trauma the third degree burns to my emotions caused both you and me. Because my worst makes me a monster who knows nothing but rage. It makes me someone who throws poisoned darts at you. It makes me someone that drains you out of your emotions, and sometimes even physical energy.

Yes, at my worst, I get manipulative, attention-seeking, dramatic, insane, demanding and bitchy and desperate. But I want to tell you it's not the real me. And I don't mean any of it. When you think I am twisting your words or turning the tables, I am scared of trusting you. When I am narcissistic, that's because I want to uphold my self-respect in case anyone is trying to plunge my guard down. All in all, it's a defense mechanism.

I confess that I am scared deep inside - of ruining all my relations, never having friends for life, and end up being alone, because I fail to make people understand that I don't mean things I say during my breakdowns, or because I am unable to control my emotions as much as I'd like to. I get envious when people hang out with their friends for life, because I've never had one, and I never knew what it's like to be in one, for a long time. But more than anything, I am petrified of having to be a person responsible for driving people away from her own life, without any conscious fault of hers.

So, at the end, I only have one question to ask. Will I be accepted with this dark side of mine? Are you patient enough to experience the rainbows with me, or just leave during the storm? What's your answer?

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